us & the chocolate factory style

Hoy fue el estreno de Charlie and the Chocolate factory aquí. (Como dos decenios después que en todos lados, increíble). He estado esperando este momento por tanto tiempo, y ahí estaba yo, ultima fila, pop corn de dimensiones imposibles y refresco de dieta, as excited as a little child (as excited as me back then with Willy Wonka). This is one of my favorite movies and it inspired me on writing my new novel. It’s a love triangle, sort of con varios plots y por supuesto sus consecuentes posibles finales. I got home and illustrated cause i have nothing better to do and cause i am as stylish as Tim Burton and they didn’t cast me as Veruca cause i insisted on wearing my glasses and Tim said, no dear, you are perfect for the part but a little bit too tall and besides she is already out by the time of the space odyssey white glasses I laughed so hard part. My little brother is best supporting actor nominee.



1
Johnny: I love you, would you marry me?
Me: Oh, Johnny, I’ve had a crush on you since Edward Scissorhands. But please please promise me you’re gonna stop using the makeup, I liked you better all manly and without so many layers of clothing…honestly, for me you look a little bit too weird and psicodelico and ok anyway I do cause I love you no matter what.
My little brother: Si se casan, me puedo quedar con los chocolates?

2
Johnny insists on marrying me once again and i do only because i want to stay with the factory, N helps me do the dirty job.

3
Johnny is deeply in love with me but I tell him I won’t kiss a boy that wears makeup and he says but you did in the set of pirates of the Caribbean and I say but I was only feeling nostalgic and my lil brother is only there because of the chocolate.

4
I have a crush on JD desde Edward Scissorhands, JD has a crush on me y my lil bro es el chaperon but then JD tells him where to get the chocolate so he goes and leaves us alone. And I won’t entertain you with the details no more. And yes it includes chocolate.

5
Johnny is depp-ly in love with me but I tell him I have a boyfriend and he says he doesn’t care and I say ok we won’t tell him and I have a double life and then I eat all his chocolate and get fat and Johnny doesn’t like me anymore cause I got a little carried away sort of like Augustus and my other love dumps me cause he founds out I was with Johnny too (but he loved me even if I got very very fat which makes me feel guilty about how horrible I was and certain of his unconditional love) and then Johnny sees that he is incomplete without me and that he wants me back in his life but I decided that I rather stay with my boyfriend because he loved me for me but my bf doesn’t want me back cause I cheated so I convoke a meeting with both parties to apologize (because I want my original bf back and I was only with Johnny because he is hot and cause of his chocolate and mansion in the Bermudas) but I don’t tell them that the other one will be there too (cause no way I life I will do this twice so mato dos pájaros del mismo tiro) and I show up in the meeting all flaca again because I worked out for 3 days and the lack of chocolate regimen that I self-imposed myself (partly because it was a sacrifice que le prometí a la virgencita de la Altagracia to get my beau back and because Johnny after what I did (sacale lo pie) didn’t give me any more chocolate and partly because I have a wonderful metabolism (like those models that give birth and the next weekend go out and look as if they’ve never had a child) ok so I show up all splendid and when they see me they faint because I’m soooo pretty and then when I wake them up echandoles freco with my white handkerchief they see each other they start to fight and I feel good because of this and right after I feel terrible for being such a bitch but I secretly enjoy it and there are bloody noses and broken arms and a very Tarantinesque moment there and special effects and Johnny brings his scissors but anyway my boyfriend wins, of course, and he is about to kill Johnny but he says he trades his life for his chocolate factory and I say ok babe let him go, I will take care of this so I go, he apologizes for not loving me when my body transformation occurred because that showed how superficial he really is and begs forgiveness I say now you do fucker? But then I say ok I forgive you because after all he’s hot. ok, how can I NOT admire a man that has done two chocolate-oriented movies (C.and the Chocolate F. y Chocolat). Y que aparte de todo te bueno y enamorado de mi? but I tell him I don’t really love him and Johnny takes one big breath, starts to walk away and then turns to see me one last time, and he leaves with such sadness in his eyes and disappears completely from my life but not from my poster.
And then i finally understood that I was very lucky that my real love forgave me for something I would never be able to forgive I think so I say sorry love, I feel like shit for what I’ve done (and subtly proceed to put some gotica de los ojos for the full teary effect). But now, because my boyfriend and me got to keep the factory, I started eating chocolate again, and for my surprise and delight, I have developed an anti fattening glandule that keeps me at my normal weight no matter how much I eat chocolate, so I eat lots and produce endorphins and kinda like get happy again and we get married and you guessed the flavor of our giant wedding cake. And I give free chocolate to all my little brother’s friends so I am the coolest biggest sister to have ever existed. And I have the one I love and all the chocolate in the world so I live happily ever after.
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A veces me pregunto que tan aburrida puede estar una persona y que hago yo aquí cuando pudiera ta ganando cuarto en Hollywood.